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An Open Letter to a Suffering Soul

Dave Ursillo — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 12:45:57 +0000

“An open heart writhes for all those who suffer…”

In the last few days, I’ve found myself talking quite a bit about suffering with friends, even relative strangers.

Sometimes the conversation drifts philosophically to the concept of suffering itself. But more times than not, the suffering we discuss is very specific and personal: the acute effects of experiencing loss of life, loving relationships gone awry, wreaking mental and emotional havoc within.

Having endured it myself (who hasn’t!), I’m grateful and humble that I can discuss suffering and try to offer my advice while not, at this point and place in my life, experiencing a devastatingly heavy burden of pain, depression or heartache.

Something sort of profound that happens when these sorts of discussions take place. I feel their pain — I feel deeply connected to their pain. Maybe the effect is a surge of subconscious memories bubbling to the forefront of my mind — ghosts of suffering long since buried suddenly resurrected, rising once more in hopes of offering someone else a lesson of hope and perseverance and overcoming.

How to Read This

This piece is an open letter to anyone who is suffering.

I’ve split a wonderful quote on suffering by psychotherapist Thomas Moore into six block-quoted segments, which serves as a greater narrative throughout. This letter is not intended for any one person or to help with any particular situation. I write it attempting to summon some bit of Truth woven in our shared human consciousness, and thus it should speak to anyone about anything.

As I first discussed in last December’s post, Strongheart: Harvesting Compassion in the Faces of Strangers, I believe that an open heart — any compassionate soul — connects incredibly deeply and incredibly quickly with other human beings through suffering. Suffering is one of humanity’s common denominators: it sheds labels and cuts to the core of our Being. As we all endure suffering, we are indelibly connected by it.

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An Open Letter to a Suffering Soul

“The dark night of the soul is a profoundly good thing. …”

Dear Friend,

Love surrounds you, always.

In times like these, it certainly doesn’t feel it. Amid suffering you feel blinded to any and all light — even as the sun shines brightly through your windowsill. In times like these your spirit is stagnant, your heart beats just to beat — not because it has cause, or hope, or good reason to keep on.

And yet love surrounds you always.

I can hear you quipping, “That’s easy for you to say…”, and indeed it is. In life is it easy to speak from experience when the experience has long since passed. So, too, is it easy to speak of “ideals” and “wants” and “shoulds”, especially without the intimate knowledge of the suffering you have been chosen to endure.

But suffering is just that. It is chosen.

We suffer by our choice, or we suffer by the choices of others, or we suffer by the choice of fate… destiny… God… or life itself. And although your suffering is completely overwhelming right now, the magic of time slowly unburdens all pains — affording us the opportunity to reflect, to learn, to grow, and to turn suffering into vital lessons. These irreplaceable lessons teach us how to attain the single most elusive pursuit in the history of humankind: purposeful living.

True happiness.

… It is an ongoing spiritual process in which we are liberated from attachments and compulsions and empowered to live and love more freely. …

You see, every event in our lives serves significant purpose — each moment, each day, each experience; whether glorious and loving or devastating and painful. Every gracious moment of tearful joy is, at its core, remarkably similar to each forced-upon feeling of a victimization and suffering by a heartless and chaotic world. The effects — how we feel — are distant. But the cause What causes

… Sometimes this letting go of old ways is painful, occasionally even devastating. But this is not why the night is called ‘dark.’ …

Every terrible feeling, every bout of debilitating depression, every instance of suffering is a genuine opportunity for something newer and better. As stepping upon fiery coals surges forth an uncontrollable, instinctive reaction to run and escape the pain; suffering, heartache, depression, are humanity’s natural means to propel a mental-emotional surge of conscious change.

… The darkness of the night implies nothing sinister, only that the liberation takes place in hidden ways, beneath our knowledge and understanding. …

Suffering is the fire beneath our feet that sets a storm of instinctive reactions in our brains to escape, to run, to live, to change. The burden of our suffering is so severe because pushing our thinking minds to the brink of overwhelming, total collapse demands immediate action. This is the feeling of a breaking point, when “something has to give.”

What nature intends to break, I believe, is not our will to live. It’s counter logical for human instinct to ever push a human being to self-destruct — such is the incomprehensible yet prevalent tragedy of suicide.

Nature, I believe, intends to break the human Ego.

… It happens mysteriously, in secret, and beyond our conscious control. …

We suffer to reduce our individual, egoic perceptions of Self — the labels, the titles, what we “do for a living”, and who we “think” we are. Amid such unbelievably heavy sorrow, suffering reduces our egotistical self-perceptions and returns us to a purer state.

A humbled state. A vulnerable state.

We feel far from invincible; we feel that we’re crumbling. We feel far from any job title’s description; we feel only raw human emotion. We feel far from any thing or any one person being able to alleviate our pain, give us pure joy, or fill the void of our sadness. The labels are gone. Our ego is hurt. Money and possessions are meaningless. Our ego reels. All of the unnecessary perceptions of “who we are” and judgmental thinking patterns about others are reduced to rubble. Our ego is silent.

Instead there is only our true Self.

And who we each are at the core of our Being as humans is a simple, caring and compassionate being, longing for fulfillment and happiness in life.

… For that reason it can be disturbing or even scary, but in the end it always works to our benefit.

But the burden of suffering doesn’t only serve to destroy our own ego. When a compassionate soul sees suffering in another human being, the egoic walls of self-defense are dissolved. We see others who suffers and innately lend our hands as best we can, realizing that we are not very different. Instead, we see ourselves in each other.

As love binds us, suffering binds us. And that is why we must suffer.

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Flickr photo credit: Shandi-lee

2010 Renegade Review: Every Post on DaveUrsillo.com

Dave Ursillo — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 03:27:57 +0000

“The path of life is perpetually shrouded in fogs of uncertainty…”

When I started DaveUrsillo.com in the summer of 2009, the blog had little intent or actual direction — beyond being an outlet for my writing passions and with hopes of somehow helping me to leverage a book publishing contract in the near or distant future.

With 2010 coming to a close, I really had to begin my annual Renegade Review by making this list and intently looking it over. You see, sometimes direction is found by cutting a trail with your eyes or imagination; sometimes the wind catches your sails, and you let it take you where it must; sometimes, you must trudge one heavy foot before the other, over and over, and realize your direction only by looking back and seeing the trail behind you.

Here is every single piece written on DaveUrsillo.com in 2010. I’m sure that when you glance over these dozens of pieces I’ve written, you won’t, of course, see the same trail that I see when looking back on my year. But there are distinct trends and patterns, ebbs and flows, progressions and regressions in subject and style and aim.

In tomorrow’s Renegade Review post, I’ll detail how my goals and life mirrored these posts, and how my shortcomings and failures compelled me to change direction, hone my focus with DaveUrsillo.com, and achieve new goals that I hadn’t even set in stone.

As for the list, be sure to check out those marked with ♥‘s, which denote my particular favorites. Which are yours?

January 2010 (8 Posts) – Leadership, Politics, Military, Liberty

February 2010 (5 Posts) – Effort, Perspective, Decision-Making

March 2010 (5 Posts) – Understanding Life, Dealing with Rejection, Heroism

April 2010 (10 Posts) – Life’s Direction, Honesty, Giving, Quiet Leadership

May 2010 (9 Posts) – Leadership, Followers, Giving, Responsibility

June 2010 (10 Posts) – The Self, Others, Balance, Inner Peace

July 2010 (8 Posts) – Regret, Decision-Making, Problems, Control

August 2010 (9 Posts) – Patience, Perspective, Change, Criticism

September 2010 (9 Posts) – Anger, Hatred, Suffering, Love

October 2010 (11 Posts) – Life, Spirit, Self-Love, Limitations

November 2010 (9 Posts) – Love, Growth, Giving, Community

December 2010 (14 Posts) – Forgiveness, Compassion, Time, Freedom

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Strongheart: Harvesting Compassion in the Faces of Strangers

Dave Ursillo — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 19:42:05 +0000

“Compassion is not religious business, it is human business; it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability; it is essential for human survival.” ~The 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso

Through the human heart, all of our energy flows; our Being originates; our very lifesource takes form.

Naturally, the stronger our hearts, the stronger our energy, Being, and spirit. It’s from this originating source that we channel much of our mental-emotional strength, determination to achieve, and drive to live better lives.

On an external level, healthy eating, wholesome living, regular weightlifting and cardiovascular exercise physically condition our hearts to be strong and to function well. But unlike other muscles, we can’t simply pick up weights and take to the treadmill to strengthen the spiritual capacity our hearts. Becoming a strongheart takes a dedicated investment of time and experience: living life, loving, and enduring suffering. Another such practice is harvesting compassion from the faces of strangers.

BECOME A STRONGHEART

Last week, I was out for a drive through the city of Boston when I noticed that at every stop in traffic, I was deeply investing attention into the detail of faces of strangers walking on the street. Our minds work in many subtle and subconscious ways that we often take for granted. So, when I noticed my mind working in this quiet way, I took to exploring the cause and the specific nature of these quiet observations with strangers on the street.

What was I looking for?

Faces can tell a thousand stories. And my darting eyes were betwixt and between millions of unread chapters and verses. There was no possible way for me to read each story, let alone each word. Instead, I was surveying each person’s face for brief moments as if skimming the cover art of books upon the shelves at a store.

COMPASSION IN THE FACES OF STRANGERS

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but, for right or for wrong, the nature of humans as visual creatures is to make instinctive “snap” judgments, to have subconscious thoughts and make decisions largely based upon what we see. Of course, this nature developed tens of thousands of years ago for the sake of our species’ self-preservation and survival — and over human history, we see the violent and disheartening repercussions of things like ignorance, racism, slavery and war that have ensued from a largely outdated self-defense mechanism.

How do we overcome this natural tendency to make ignorant false judgments?

First, with understanding and education that our minds work in such ways. Second, with recognition and acceptance that we are each naturally prone to the likes of being prejudiced, unfairly judgmental, and even racist. And third, with simple practice: we can harness and utilize the natural instinct like a tool at our disposal — a shield that evolution intended for humans to use for protection can be used instead as a platter to offer food to the hungry, the sick and those in need.

Back to my story about scanning the faces of strangers while I was driving through the city. What was I looking for? With concerted practice, I’ve slowly developed the habit to scan the faces of strangers to generate compassion within. Don’t get me wrong: I still make unfair judgments, have prejudices and biased thoughts — I’m only human. However, with effort and over time, anyone can develop this simple practice to strengthen the spiritual capacity our hearts.

HOW TO DO IT

Harvesting compassion in the faces of strangers is a humbling and humanizing exercise: a quiet practice through which we challenge our hearts and minds to generate sincere interest in the lives and well-being of others by simply looking deeply into the faces of other human beings. Through our eyes alone — revealing gateways to the human soul — we attempt to connect with strangers who we are likely to never even see again on a deep and spiritual level.

Look deeply into the faces of strangers on the street. What do you see? Read the stories that are etched in their faces with revealing detail. Every frown, every wrinkle, every crease, tells a story. Although the specific details of their lives — all the nuances of their character and perseverance and suffering — are, of course, not always visible by our sight alone, the faces of strangers can resemble a reflection of the toil and turmoil that people have endured.

If there are but two constants in this world, one is love, one is suffering. The two are less “opposites” than they are one and the same: the more we are exposed to and experience suffering, the greater our natural human capacity for love grows. So, delve deeply into the faces of strangers. Explore their eyes, feel their hearts, and harvest compassion from their stories — if only for a passing moment. What do you see?

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Flickr photo credit: Sukanto Debnath

Fail-Proof Forgiveness: End the Hate and Dead the Past

Dave Ursillo — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 10:32:27 +0000

“What is the mature thing to do when you hate someone so much that it eats into your soul?”

I saw this message on Twitter by chance one recent evening.

It really struck a cord with me… because of the pain and sheer realism that was entangled within it.

A short, spur-of-the-moment message to the world — a message to everyone, anyone, and no one — racked in honest hurt, doused in desperation.

Instinct told me that this person’s self-proclaimed hatred was coming from a place of hurt and suffering: deep pain that had spurred feelings of seething, begrudging anger. What would you tell this person? How do we forgive when we’re overcome with hatred? When anger and loathing eat away at our very Being, how can we end the hate and “dead” the past? Here are three approaches — ranging from highly idealistic, to forthright and more realistic. What approach would you choose?

MOST IDEALISTIC

Be the Emancipator – Free the other person. Why? Firstly, it’s the morally right thing to do, especially when the opposite means acting like an enslaver who intends to hold someone else hostage for their wrongdoing. Secondly, it’s good karma. We all make mistakes — we all lash out, lose our tempers and hurt those whom we love. Some day, if we make a mistake and find ourselves as that “someone” who is hated to the point where it “eats” at someone else’s soul, we should be so lucky to be forgiven — emancipated from our own past wrongdoing.

And, when in doubt, forgiving someone — especially who you think doesn’t deserve to be forgiven — should annoy that person, thoroughly. Forgive them, and let them know it. Be at peace with what’s happened. You’ll have the last laugh, and that should be enough to diffuse the hatred burning within.

IDEALISTIC BUT REALISTIC

Understand the Forced Benefits. Two of the most difficult, trying and hurtful moments of my life were from being on the wrong end of long-term relationships ending. It really sucked (both times). And honestly, I don’t ever want to experience it again (although, I’m sure I eventually will). Nevertheless, those experiences were probably the two most beneficial times for me as a human being. I was forced to grow, to be patient, to find inner balance, to understand who I am a lot better.

Times of severe hurt and pain are highly potent opportunities for reflection, introspection, learning and growth. During these condensed periods, we experience forced growth, maturity, and understanding. As much as these times of pain hurt, we’d never have chosen to live through them otherwise.

MOST REALISTIC

You don’t hate him/her. You hate yourself. Listen, almost all of the thoughts that we project upon others — all of the ways that we judge and criticize those around us — are mirror reflections of how we feel about ourselves. You don’t hate the other person to the core of your being — you hate yourself. Self-hatred doesn’t mean stabbing the mirror every time you catch your reflection — self-hatred can manifest itself in many subtle and subconscious ways, like hyper-criticism, wracking insecurities and strong anxiety.

“Our thoughts are a perfect reflection of our state of mind and how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Resentment towards another, such as an ex-, reveals a resentment of ourselves: we resent how we allowed ourselves to be deceived, hurt or heartbroken.”

Think about it like this: hating someone else to the point where your anger is eating away at yourself is like mental-emotional suicide — a completely counter-logical, unnatural, self-destructive tendency. In other words, you wouldn’t be driven to hate someone else to your own detriment, unless that loathing and rage was actually directed inward. Forgive yourself. Liberate yourself from self-hate. And feel the weight of the world relieved from your shoulders.

What approach would you take? I write not for me, but for you. What would you recommend to this anonymous person? Why?

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Flickr photo credit: essygie

Renegade Spotlight: Kat Fowler

Dave Ursillo — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 10:40:19 +0000

“[Yoga] brings out the beautiful and the ugly, whether we want to see it or not. It is through this process that we start to learn about ourselves and others, and begin to grow into healthy, well-rounded, compassionate human beings.” ~Kat Fowler

The Renegade Spotlight on DaveUrsillo.com is a new feature that showcases the biographies and real-life stories of everyday “Renegades” — men and women who, while brandishing a defiantly positive and determined mindset, are pursuing their dreams in spite of criticism, cynicism, and being misunderstood by those around them.

Today, I’d like you to meet my friend Kat, an incredibly talented yoga instructor and genuinely awesome person. Once you read her story about taking a big “leap of faith” to pursue her dreams, you just might feel compelled to do the same. Together on DaveUrsillo.com, we are building an inspired community of genuine dream-pursuers — the Ranks of the Renegades — who are striving to change the world. We are the Renegades. Are you among our ranks?

1.) Introduce yourself!

My name is Kat Fowler, and I am a Vinyasa flow yoga teacher living and teaching on Long Island, NY. After I took my very first vinaysa class, I knew this is what I wanted to do for a living. I was hooked. My previous dance background and new-found love of this beautiful practice led me to New York City, where I completed the Yoga To The People teacher training. I am now a 200-hour Certified Yoga Teacher instructing classes all over Long Island, full-time!

I was drawn to the study and teaching of yoga for it’s ability to help us move deep within, beyond the illusions and into the Heart Center so that we may discover who we really are. While guiding my students through their practice, I strive to push their physical limits so that lessons learned on the mat can translate into personal growth, confidence and fearlessness off the mat. I feel very blessed and honored for all the opportunities I have been given in my career and all the amazing teachers and students I have met. I’m trying to positively change the world… one sweaty yoga class at a time! :)

2.) What dreams are you pursuing?

Something I’ve learned about yoga is that there is so much to learn!! My short term goal is to do an another teacher training sometime soon. My next goal is moving to the lower east side of Manhattan to teach full time in the city. That area of city is filled with more yoga studios, vegan health food stores and juice bars than with Starbucks’ — it’s a yogi’s heaven. :) My long term dream that I am pursuing is to eventually become so good at what I do that I can travel with my work, and lead workshops and classes all over the world.

3.) What effects have these pursuits had on your life?

It has changed my life completely. Once I dove into teacher training, I never looked back. The day after I graduated, I took a leap of faith… I quit my job and sent out my (looking back now, seemingly-empty) resume everywhere. It took a lot of hard work, networking, auditioning and faith in myself, but now I’ve worked at over 10 different studios/locations in Nassau County alone, doing what I love to do! I have noticed a huge shift in priorities as well. Once I decided I was going to dedicate my life to this practice, I almost naturally started making healthier decisions and taking (small but important) steps each day towards being able to do what I love. It meant making a few sacrifices and lifestyle changes, but they were all worth it.

4.) What has pursuing your dreams taught you about yourself? About others? About life?

Pursuing my dreams has taught me how powerful we are as human beings, and that our thoughts make our world. I believe it is our thoughts that determine our actions, and keeping your thoughts positive and in line with your goals is a start in the right direction.

We cannot change certain circumstances around us, but we can change ourselves, and that all starts with having the right attitude. Another thing I have learned is that the first step to getting what you want is deciding EXACTLY what you want. That’s the hard part — after that point, it’s simple. You will notice things will start falling into place. Your faith and trust in God and yourself will keep you on the right path. Lastly, in the pursuit of my dreams, I have ultimately learned that I know nothing. I believe that every person we meet along our life path is our teacher, in some way or another, helping us with an important lesson needed at the time and all these teachers and lessons in our life are leading us to our greatest teacher, the teacher within. Everyday I am humbled by the brilliant people around me.

5.) Do you have any special methods or practices that help you along the way? What are your sources of inspiration?

Yes, I practice yoga every day. It connects me to my body and gives me a clear mind. Our bodies are our vehicles and we need to keep them clean in order to go anywhere in life!

A daily yoga practice brings up all facets of our personality and who we are. It brings out the beautiful and the ugly, whether we want to see it or not. It is through this process that we start to learn about ourselves and others, and begin to grow into healthy, well-rounded, compassionate human beings. My inspiration comes from my students and my teachers. My students have taught me more about myself than I ever thought they could, and my teachers are the reason I am able to do what I do today. I am so grateful.

6.) Do cynics, doubters and pessimists affect you and your pursuits? If so, how? If not, do you avoid them, tune them out, use them to your advantage, etc.?

No. If you do not believe in yourself, why should anybody else? Everyone has their own opinions, and there will be people in this life that resonate with you, and people who won’t, but that is the beauty of this world. I truly believe if you have faith in yourself, you will find plenty of like-minded individuals who have similar beliefs, dreams and goals who are here to help you on your path to success pursuing whatever it is you love. :)

~ Kat

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Check out Kat’s website KatFowlerYoga.com and join Kat Fowler Yoga’s Facebook Page! Not only will Kat’s Vinyasa flow classes better your body, but your mind, spirit and soul! Contact her here!

Are you or someone you know a genuine Renegade? Your story can be here on DaveUrsillo.com in the new Renegade Spotlight feature! Send me an email through my Contact page! Tell the world your story, inspire hundreds of men and women, and get your name and face known by thousands of fellow Renegades across the world!